Barreling Right Along....

My path of employment, for the most part, continues along the expected path of most students.  Part-time, low paying, cashier type jobs.  Long, late, drunken serving jobs.  Those sorts of things.  What is most impressive/horrifying, is the vast number of positions I have held in my life time, and of course, my inability to find a job I am good at and love.  But every once in a while, a job comes along that fits into none of these categories.  A job that is strange and unbelievable, that offers me a special sort of skill set.  Something people who have grown up in cities whose main source of income is tourism will understand because we are willing to gouge the tourists for every cent they are willing to throw at us.  Ready for this?  I was once employed by Niagara Daredevil.  This is a company where people paid $16 for a polaroid picture of themselves and sometimes their loved ones, pretending to go over the Falls in a barrel.  (Side note - I was looking for some pictures to entertain you and for the sake of my own integrity, I have to inform you, if you were to go there you could also get a picture in a canoe pretending to go down the rapids.  This was not nearly as popular because, obviously, it is kind of stupid).

Every day, I would head off to work in these little booths at the base of the Skylon Tower.  The only way I can describe the set up is, pretend for Christmas as a small child you really really wanted to go over the falls in a barrel.  Your grandfather, loving you a whole lot, decided to build you a Falls and also a barrel so you could take pictures and pretend you had been.  The whole thing was a rickety construction.  The locks were ancient, the till was a drawer with a pad lock, you had to count the number of polaroid sheets you used and if you made too many mistakes you would be in trouble.  The problem with the picture taking process was you had to pull the picture sheet straight out of the monstrous camera contraption or else it would leave blotchy marks.  Then you would have to let it wait the appropriate amount of time until the ink had dried, all while having tourists impatiently waiting for the photo.  Then, once the paper was off and the picture quality was fine, it had to dry!  Can you ever imagine how many over eager customers grabbed the picture as soon as I set it down, forever leaving a thumb mark smushed into the middle of their picture??  No you probably cannot imagine.  Just as you can't imagine this was actually my real summer job, and I went here at least five days a week and sat by myself trying to pressure sell people into getting these photos.  But it is all true.  I could not make this stuff up if I tried.

I have two very clear memories of that job.  First, across the hall from me was a HUGE television that played the Marineland commercial constantly.  You know how much you hate that song when you hear it twice in a row on the radio?  Imagine EIGHT HOURS NONSTOP!!!!  I shudder every time I hear it, or see the little girl wiping the screen clear to watch the beluga whales because I know there is a triangle spot of frost on the lower left hand corner she is always going to miss.  Every time.  Until you think you will lose your mind hoping she would just pay attention to what she is doing and clear the whole screen.  You'll see....  o you'll see....

Can you find the frost she missed?

Sorry...  where was I?  O yes.  The other thing I learned was about myself.  In my head I picture myself as rather adorable.  I know I'm short and have stubby legs.  I can't help that.  But I have a cute little smile and twinkley eyes, and, I had always assumed, at least a little bit of innate sex appeal.  This job taught me otherwise.  I had to wear a baseball cap, as well as an oversized t-shirt with a picture of the owner in the barrel going over his fake falls on the back.  I was mistaken for a boy multiple times.  The other girl I worked with had long curly blonde hair and somehow made the shirt fit in ways I couldn't.  I would tie it up, wear extra make up, push up bras.  It didn't matter.  Inevitably, I would hear someone say, "Go ask the boy how much a picture costs."  I am not too proud to admit this, sometimes I would turn around to answer their question and people would say, "O dear I'm so sorry sweetheart."  but sometimes, they would not say anything and they would leave believing they had gotten directions to the elevator from a pre-pubescent boy. 

In conclusion, the rediculously useful skill of being able to successfully operate a polaroid camera from 1953 has not actually gotten me any great number of job offers.  Instead, I seem to be suffering from the fact that I spent my university summers not working towards a career but trying to avoid huge amounts of student debt and filling my resume with hilarious, but not so employable skills.  Stay tuned, I wish I could say it was all uphill from here....  but it is decidedly not.

Rainy day reflections on what I am going to do with my life.... plus a cute puppy picture!

It has been raining all day and I've been sitting at home drinking coffee (damn you Steven and Chris, my coffee maker might have been free but cappucino refills certainly are not), watching horrible shows about babies being born, and harassing my husband, who is off being all lawyer-y and work-y.

Husband: "Stop calling me, I'm working"
Me: "Uhmm  okay I have barely called at all.  This is only my third phone call in ten minutes, so just settle down"
Husband: "I am in court, don't send me pictures of the dog looking sleepy."
Me: "O my gosh!  Look how sleepy the dog is now....  he will totally love this picture so much more than the one I just sent...."

I know...  super cute right?

So I decided to do something useful, which was brainstorm ideas on jobs I could do, if anyone was ever to offer me one.

I started with working for the TTC.  These people get benefits and vacation days and sick days and they strike and throw tantrums all for a lot of money.  I could totally do that.  I love whining!  It is a true passion of mine.  Actually I think I would also be good at working for any government organization because of this particular unique skill, although I am also a hard worker who gets things done on time and I am good with budgeting so maybe I wouldn't fit in afterall. 

Next I came up with mail delivery person.  I love walking.  Love!  I would bring my dog and we would be so happy walking around all day and carrying mail.  Plus I could read people's postcards, which is a definitely perk to working in that field.  I love things that aren't really any of my business, but are mostly harmless.

Then I started to think of other things I loved.  I think I would love to be a flight attendant so I could vacation lots.  I hit a small snag here.  First, I am too short.  Second, I am extremely terrified of flying.  But this naturally led me to another idea.  I want to be someone who reviews fancy hotels in the Carribean.  I want to go there and eat and drink and swim and tan and come home and write things like, "The sand was soft on my feet, and the all you can eat lobster was fantastic, but my cabana boy, although quite handsome, was a little slow on the margarita refills."  Yes, that is a fantastic job.

I would even do this for places not so exotic and warm.  For example, in Nowheresville Saskatchewan (I am familiar with the area because my father's family is from there), I could write, "I saw an appropriate amount of prairie dogs, I enjoyed my dinner but found the breakfast pancakes to be a little grainy.  While the beds were comfortable the decor fell a little flat."  hahahahaha  o god....  hilarious!!  Literary genius....  get it - prairies are flat, and they grow grain?!?!  Nobody??  Really?  Not even a smile?    

 .......................  I guess comedy writer is out then..............

Moving on - I would also be very good at a management level.  I am the oldest sibling in my family, so I have tons of experience being bossy and controlling.  I think I could manage the hell out of anything, if someone would give me a chance.  Unfortunately "manage the hell out of anything" doesn't seem to be making my resume more appealing.  That and the lack of any real experience managing seem to be working against me.

I guess my job search continues.  If you have any bright ideas for me please let me know.

Also - I checked my stats counter and while my blog seems to be doing terribly awful at best I would like to give a shout out to the 14 people from Russia who have apparently checked in this week.  I admit, I felt like an international blogging super star!  My sister said people were probably trying to find work in Canada and I tricked them into checking my blog with my misleading key words.  Excellent, exactly what I am hoping for!!  Next I just need to trick someone into hiring me for a job.  Preferably something in management, involving travel and walking, and I wouldn't mind benefits thrown in. 

A Day in the Life Of.....

Here is how I assume most people's lives go - wake up early, get ready for work, travel to work, work, maybe lunch, some more work, travel home from work, dinner, time filler until bedtime, sleep.  Repeat.  There is a simple and rewarding routine to this, especially on that day every week, or two weeks, or the first and fifteenth when money appears in your bank account to reward you for the time you have spent working. 

When you are unemployed there is no certainty.  This is not a vacation in the way that scheduled time off of work is relaxing.  Think of unemployment like the crappiest vacation you have been on, it rains every day, the mosquitos eat you alive, the ocean is full of jellyfish, and worst of all, Cuba runs completely out of rum (or Mexico and tequila, or Jamaica and joints, you get where I'm going with this).  It is such a bad vacation that you are in fact looking forward to sinking back in to the comfort of what you know, working half assed at job that is fairly meaningless.  This is preferable.

Don't worry - I have the perfect solution!  Here is my guide on how to spend your day, and various ways to feel productive about doing nothing.

8-9am - wake up.  Sometimes this is earlier, if you have spent the night tossing and turning sleeplessly, it is fine to wake up with the sunrise.  Pretend you like it.  Say things like, "I'm really a morning person" or "I'm most productive in the morning" or "I don't want to get used to sleeping in, soon I will have a job and have to be up early".  You don't have to say these things to other people, just repeat them quietly to yourself until you believe them.

9am - Regis and Kelly!  This is the highlight of your day.  Don't miss this for sleep, you can catch up on sleep during naptime.  It is Regis' final season.  You might think this is some sad addiction I have developed during my long period of unemployment, but that is not true.  Even when working I used to prefer afternoon shifts so that I could watch Regis.  My boxer puppy is named after him because they share the same adorable wrinkly old man face.

 

 10am - feel free to continue watching tv, whatever is on, especially reruns of Rich Bride, Poor Bride you have already seen, or any of the Housewives.  I won't judge.  Usually this is when I switch from tv to internet.  I check my email, facebook, other email, job postings, blogs.  I pretend to be looking for jobs, but I know that nothing new has come up since I last checked around 10pm the night before.  I don't actually apply for anything yet, I go back to facebook and look at some random pictures.  Finally I might work up the emotional strength to write up a cover letter and apply to a few jobs.  I might also leave this for the afternoon internet session.

12 - walk the dog.  Stretch this out as long as possible, it is perfectly acceptable to walk the dog for up to three hours.  This is good exercise for you both.  You are a wonderful dedicated owner.  There is absolutely nothing sad and pathetic about having three hours in the middle of the afternoon with nothing to do except wander around.  Try not to actually cry while doing this, the neighbours will start to wonder.  Let them think you have an exotic job that allows you to be home in the afternoon.

2-3ish - lunch, whenever you return.  I often consider skipping this meal, but the more elaborate a meal you make the more time you can use up.  Consider having more than one course.  Get out that cookbook you never thought you would have time to use.  Start eating strange things from cans - for example stuffed vine leaves, no name brand, are delicious!  Food poisoning can be a great way to spend a few days.

After lunch is usually when I start to get desparate.  I read entire books during this time of day. I try to make social appointments with my other unemployed friends.  Make friends with people on maternity leave, or students with strange schedules.  Start calling your grandmother more often.  This is often when my obessive compulsive cleaning streak starts to show itself.  This is also a good time to recheck your email, or to take a nap.

6ish - normal people with real world jobs are home!  If you are not too deep into the scrubbing out the fridge or already out for coffee, start calling these people.  Begging and crying is permitted if it helps get you an invite to dinner.  No level of desparation is too low at this time.  Tell them to come to your house, serve them vine leaves and left over KD. 

Night time is easiest - sleep, as soon as it gets dark this is acceptable.  Go to bed at 9pm if you have to.  Take a hot bath, or a gravol, or both, whatever gets the job done.

Good luck!  Let me know if you have any tips or tricks to fill in time.