The Waitressing Years

I believe we all have a blog post with this title in our lives.  For some of you it might be the McDonald years, or the pole dancing years, or the I have an actual job as a real grown up and don't waste my time blogging years.  Whatever you fancy.  These are the years when you feel like you have really made it in life.  You set a goal and you achieved it, you make lots of money and have piles of cash lying around your bedroom to spend however you see fit (side note - I don't know if real grown ups keep piles of cash, but when I am a real grown up I will.  In fact, I plan on having a little cash bowl, much like a candy bowl, on my coffee table for people who are poor and need a few extra dollars so they can just grab some cash.  Also, I might have a candy bowl too, and a fancy hand sanitizer in between the two because I don't want your grubby little money fingers touching my jelly beans.). 

After my summer of barrel picture taking, I decided the next summer I would waitress and make fantastic tips and (hopefully) no longer be mistaken for a young boy.  I started out working for the Parks Commission in the Falls.  I am not going to name my current employers or give you too many details about that, but I feel it is rather safe to let you in on the long list of places I have previously worked.  The Parks are a huge organization in the Falls and hire the majority of students looking for waitressing jobs in the summer.  Because I had never waitressed before I wasn't allowed to waitress there, but I was given a hostessing position and was told the next summer maybe I could work up to waitressing.  Fine.  I took it.  I hated hostessing.  It was awful and terrible.  The servers hated me because I cleaned up their tables and re-sat them.  They preferred to take long smoke breaks and ignore the customers.  The restaurant was right near the brink of the Falls and dirty, sticky, stinky Niagara River water would soak me as I walked around with customers.  It would also soak their food, but not their appetite for over priced crappy food with a view that you could walk down and get for free!

The woman who trained me told me how much she loved this job because she put in her hours in the summer and then collected unemployment in Florida for the winter.  She wasn't in her mid to late 70's and so this didn't really make sense to me, but I pushed on.  For about a week.  Then I had an interview at the Keg.  They hired me and I quit my Parks job (being blacklisted forever from their empire) and moved on.  The Keg was more organized in their training, my supervisor had me fill out a written test which I'm pretty sure I failed because I hadn't memorized the postal code of the building and an alternative phone number for the restaurant.  You might think that is a joke, but I promise you that one is 100% true. 

I was still hostessing but I felt like it was a step up.  I wore a tie every day to work.  Actually, in hilarious news, I just realized that this is the most formal dress code I have ever had for a job!  O dear... 

Then one fateful day I was searching the internet for a new job.  Always searching.  I saw a resturant hiring servers with no experience who could start immediately.  I called and then went in that very afternoon to a place that no longer exists on the top of Clifton Hill.  It was not the Keg.  It was sketchy.  Nobody in their right mind would eat there.  It wasn't busy at all.  But it got me in to my dream job.  I quit the Keg.  I called in early in the morning before the July 1st long weekend, because I'm super responsible like that.  I told my new job I couldn't start until after the long weekend because I had to stay at the Keg.  Then I went to the cottage for the weekend. 

And that is the story of how I became a waitress.  This chapter is to be continued because it is a very very very long one.  Almost unimaginably long in the amount of places I have worked.  I hope you have started counting already because they are about to add up very very quickly.

Assertiveness Resolution Attempt #1

Dear fellow readers, thank you very much if you ever come back to this blog.  I have to admit I have lost interest a little bit.  Not in you, and certainly not in writing, but more specifically I feel like this blog is a reminder of my failure.  When I started doing some research (I know, this seems like haphazard babbling, but I promise it is also, at times, well informed), the main problem with unemployment blogs was they seemed to all abruptly end when the person who was writing found a job.  That will totally be me, I thought to myself.  I will immediately get a job and never write on the internet again because my life will be filled with things like work, and getting ready for work, and travelling to and from work, and talking about work, and going out with my new cool dude work friends.  Alas....  we know how this story ends....  and here I am still  unemployed.  So I will update you in my latest attempt at assertiveness. 

I was at Walmart.  Two days ago I dropped off a prescription for birth control, mistakenly thinking for some reason the pharmacy would fill this prescription and I would be able to prevent myself from having an unwanted and absolutely unaffordable baby.  *side note - I accidentally read a description of labour in a book the other day, well actually only about 3 sentences of 'what to expect' then I threw up in my mouth  and almost lost consciousness and am now uncertain if I even want children, although my inclination has always been to adopt but Husband says no way to that dream.*

Back to my actual story - Walmart did not have my prescription ready.  Seriously.  I dropped it off on Wednesday and it is Friday and they didn't read the number of packages properly.  Then they promised they would fix it, no problem.  Only I would have to wait half an hour.  Even though I had already waited two days!!  I was frustrated, especially because I had just attended a wonderful yoga class and was feeling relaxed and happy in the world, and Walmart succeeded in ruining my happiness.  I started to walk away.  Then I thought to myself, 'be assertive.  Walmart doesn't get to ruin your day.'  So I went back and very politely said, "I would like the prescription back, I am going to go somewhere else."  The pharmacist said, "well you should have said specifically what you wanted, sorry for the confusion, but I am already entering the information in the computer."  "No." I said on my assertive power trip, "I would like it back.  I am going somewhere else."  With many apologies she gave it back, but at this point I didn't need her apologies, I felt like the winner.

By the time I got back to the car I realized I was not the winner because I didn't have any birth control, which was what I had gone out for. 

You know who the real winner was here?  Shoppers Drug Mart.  Because that is where I immediately went afterwards to fill my prescription.

I have no conclusion today.  Was this achieving anything towards my resolution?  Did it really make me a better person?  I can't tell.  I did come up with a new, more concrete resolution.  Take up smoking.  Then next year I can quit it. 

Unemployed does Renovations!

I love home decorating shows.  My favourite being Moving Up.  I am fascinated as much by Doug's changing hairstyles as the actual renovations being done.  My newest dream is for the old owners to come back and see this house after we are finished painting and decorating to see what they think.  They always get people to describe their style.  Once I watched one and they said they were going to make their house Asian meets Country.  My style?  Shades of Beige.  I just want plain relaxing colours so this house can stop giving me an instant headache. 
Since we moved in last weekend we have been working hard trying to make this house liveable.  The colour and decoration choices of the last people were horrendous.  It has led me to question the entire neighbourhood because one afternoon our neighbour was chatting and said, "well at least you don't have any repainting to do".  I assume he has seen the house, or else why would he say that?  But how could he have seen the house and think there was no work to be done?  Does he also have a giant spaceship/adult playground mirror on his ceiling?

We have had quite a few setbacks - for example, the people who lived here last didn't believe in nailing anything to walls, instead all of the lovely decorations were glued up.  The only room we have finished so far is the basement.  Or what was previously known as the adult entertainment room.  I am going to share some terrifying pictures with you, please prepare yourselves.  Then I will show you the after pictures!  Hopefully sometime before Christmas we will have 'after' pictures of the entire house because I am starting to go a little crazy here.

Yes, this was really our basement ceiling.

Yay!  Family pictures in the ceiling mirror!

Remember how I said everything was glued?  Well that giant 'X' and the frame on the ceiling around the mirror are glued down.  We actually can't even find a break in the wood, so apparently it was constructed in one piece and somehow magically brought into the house.  It was most likely aliens that did it.  Aliens who wanted the ceiling of their basement to remind themselves of the mother ship.  That is the only possible explanation for this.  We can't get rid of the X and frame without ripping out the entire ceiling.  Instead we painted it out, hoping to make it disappear.  The trim was all done in black, which I changed to white.  Even though everybody loves black trim in a dark basement, it is known to really lighten the room....

But where will the sex swing go? (That's what the old owners would say if they were to come back in a Moving Up scenario)

I'm not going to lie.  I do wish the ceiling could just look like a ceiling.  Apparently this is not possible.  But we did get some sweet new Ikea shelves.  The only question left to ask is, 'how did you get that lovely couch down into the basement?'

Nobody really wanted that light there did they?

Rainy day reflections on what I am going to do with my life.... plus a cute puppy picture!

It has been raining all day and I've been sitting at home drinking coffee (damn you Steven and Chris, my coffee maker might have been free but cappucino refills certainly are not), watching horrible shows about babies being born, and harassing my husband, who is off being all lawyer-y and work-y.

Husband: "Stop calling me, I'm working"
Me: "Uhmm  okay I have barely called at all.  This is only my third phone call in ten minutes, so just settle down"
Husband: "I am in court, don't send me pictures of the dog looking sleepy."
Me: "O my gosh!  Look how sleepy the dog is now....  he will totally love this picture so much more than the one I just sent...."

I know...  super cute right?

So I decided to do something useful, which was brainstorm ideas on jobs I could do, if anyone was ever to offer me one.

I started with working for the TTC.  These people get benefits and vacation days and sick days and they strike and throw tantrums all for a lot of money.  I could totally do that.  I love whining!  It is a true passion of mine.  Actually I think I would also be good at working for any government organization because of this particular unique skill, although I am also a hard worker who gets things done on time and I am good with budgeting so maybe I wouldn't fit in afterall. 

Next I came up with mail delivery person.  I love walking.  Love!  I would bring my dog and we would be so happy walking around all day and carrying mail.  Plus I could read people's postcards, which is a definitely perk to working in that field.  I love things that aren't really any of my business, but are mostly harmless.

Then I started to think of other things I loved.  I think I would love to be a flight attendant so I could vacation lots.  I hit a small snag here.  First, I am too short.  Second, I am extremely terrified of flying.  But this naturally led me to another idea.  I want to be someone who reviews fancy hotels in the Carribean.  I want to go there and eat and drink and swim and tan and come home and write things like, "The sand was soft on my feet, and the all you can eat lobster was fantastic, but my cabana boy, although quite handsome, was a little slow on the margarita refills."  Yes, that is a fantastic job.

I would even do this for places not so exotic and warm.  For example, in Nowheresville Saskatchewan (I am familiar with the area because my father's family is from there), I could write, "I saw an appropriate amount of prairie dogs, I enjoyed my dinner but found the breakfast pancakes to be a little grainy.  While the beds were comfortable the decor fell a little flat."  hahahahaha  o god....  hilarious!!  Literary genius....  get it - prairies are flat, and they grow grain?!?!  Nobody??  Really?  Not even a smile?    

 .......................  I guess comedy writer is out then..............

Moving on - I would also be very good at a management level.  I am the oldest sibling in my family, so I have tons of experience being bossy and controlling.  I think I could manage the hell out of anything, if someone would give me a chance.  Unfortunately "manage the hell out of anything" doesn't seem to be making my resume more appealing.  That and the lack of any real experience managing seem to be working against me.

I guess my job search continues.  If you have any bright ideas for me please let me know.

Also - I checked my stats counter and while my blog seems to be doing terribly awful at best I would like to give a shout out to the 14 people from Russia who have apparently checked in this week.  I admit, I felt like an international blogging super star!  My sister said people were probably trying to find work in Canada and I tricked them into checking my blog with my misleading key words.  Excellent, exactly what I am hoping for!!  Next I just need to trick someone into hiring me for a job.  Preferably something in management, involving travel and walking, and I wouldn't mind benefits thrown in. 

How to Avoid Being Homeless

This should not be a shock to anybody, but, being jobless equals being broke.  This is depressing news for me.  I have had to make some serious budget cuts lately, non-essentials like Brita filters (I still use the container for water, and I keep it in the fridge, if you ever come to my house and ask for a drink of cold water and I pour it from my Brita, it is absolutely not filtered, just cold.  I haven't had a filter in that thing for at least a year.), nice shampoo,  o and most food....  The dog is currently more expensive to feed every month than I am.

Speaking of weekly budgets, I once survived 8 months on a $10 a week food budget.  People often laugh when I tell them this and either humour me or interrogate me on how this is possible.  I lived next to a Food Basics, so my groceries were very cheap.  I was also working part time as a daycare teacher - I was underpaid but had plenty of spare time to shop for deals.  My weekly shopping list looked something like: loaf of bread, 2L milk (every 2 weeks), peanut butter (once a month), bag of apples, any vegetable which was on sale/slightly rotten (except cucumbers, even on this rediculously low budget I was never hungry enough to eat a disgusting cucumber).  That's correct, absolutely no fruit variety, no meat, and no Starbucks cookies, this was a very dark time in my life.  For a treat I would go to the Bulk Barn and pick up about 50 cents of candy.  I didn't even have enough money to pretend I had come for something else and happened to get this little tiny bag of candy along with it.  No.  My life really was this sad and pathetic.

Sad and pathetic is exactly where I am going with this post.  To escape homelessness there are not very many options when you have no job and no money.  You can try to get a bank loan, but apparently when you are out of school and have no job and no prospects and have been hanging around like a bum for the last four years the bank is not totally supportive of this.  You can move back home with your parents, if they will have you, but this is only if you are incredibly brave or incredibly stupid (love you Mom!).  You can try to hang out at your friends' houses, hoping they won't notice when you bring a very large suitcase and never leave.  Or, this summer I did something that might seem a little extreme, please hear me out, it has been working out quite well for me.

In the middle of June I quit my job.  July 9th I got married.  July 10th I had this conversation with my brand spanking new husband.

This is before I told him he had to pay my rent....

Me: o.....  by the way....  I don't exactly have money for rent this month.
Husband: what?
Me: yea, so now that we're married I assumed you could take care of rent for me.  I mean it would be a little embarassing for you to have to explain to our friends and family that you share our apartment with the dog and I'm currently looking for somewhere more affordable.
Husband: seriously?
Me: Yes.  Thanks.  O and sweetie, it was due on the first, so you're already 9 days late.  Might as well pay for August while you are at it.

Don't get me wrong.  I am very happy to be married, and can't wait to spend the rest of my life with my husband, especially since I know our life together will always include a roof over my head.  I urge you to consider this option carefully, it sure beats living in a homeless shelter.  I have been doing the dishes more frequently to try and offset my financial dependence on him.  I feel this is a fair trade off.

Once while I was waitressing a little old lady told me, "Always remember dear, the first time you marry it's for money, the second time is for love.  Something to think about anyway.....

A Day in the Life Of.....

Here is how I assume most people's lives go - wake up early, get ready for work, travel to work, work, maybe lunch, some more work, travel home from work, dinner, time filler until bedtime, sleep.  Repeat.  There is a simple and rewarding routine to this, especially on that day every week, or two weeks, or the first and fifteenth when money appears in your bank account to reward you for the time you have spent working. 

When you are unemployed there is no certainty.  This is not a vacation in the way that scheduled time off of work is relaxing.  Think of unemployment like the crappiest vacation you have been on, it rains every day, the mosquitos eat you alive, the ocean is full of jellyfish, and worst of all, Cuba runs completely out of rum (or Mexico and tequila, or Jamaica and joints, you get where I'm going with this).  It is such a bad vacation that you are in fact looking forward to sinking back in to the comfort of what you know, working half assed at job that is fairly meaningless.  This is preferable.

Don't worry - I have the perfect solution!  Here is my guide on how to spend your day, and various ways to feel productive about doing nothing.

8-9am - wake up.  Sometimes this is earlier, if you have spent the night tossing and turning sleeplessly, it is fine to wake up with the sunrise.  Pretend you like it.  Say things like, "I'm really a morning person" or "I'm most productive in the morning" or "I don't want to get used to sleeping in, soon I will have a job and have to be up early".  You don't have to say these things to other people, just repeat them quietly to yourself until you believe them.

9am - Regis and Kelly!  This is the highlight of your day.  Don't miss this for sleep, you can catch up on sleep during naptime.  It is Regis' final season.  You might think this is some sad addiction I have developed during my long period of unemployment, but that is not true.  Even when working I used to prefer afternoon shifts so that I could watch Regis.  My boxer puppy is named after him because they share the same adorable wrinkly old man face.

 

 10am - feel free to continue watching tv, whatever is on, especially reruns of Rich Bride, Poor Bride you have already seen, or any of the Housewives.  I won't judge.  Usually this is when I switch from tv to internet.  I check my email, facebook, other email, job postings, blogs.  I pretend to be looking for jobs, but I know that nothing new has come up since I last checked around 10pm the night before.  I don't actually apply for anything yet, I go back to facebook and look at some random pictures.  Finally I might work up the emotional strength to write up a cover letter and apply to a few jobs.  I might also leave this for the afternoon internet session.

12 - walk the dog.  Stretch this out as long as possible, it is perfectly acceptable to walk the dog for up to three hours.  This is good exercise for you both.  You are a wonderful dedicated owner.  There is absolutely nothing sad and pathetic about having three hours in the middle of the afternoon with nothing to do except wander around.  Try not to actually cry while doing this, the neighbours will start to wonder.  Let them think you have an exotic job that allows you to be home in the afternoon.

2-3ish - lunch, whenever you return.  I often consider skipping this meal, but the more elaborate a meal you make the more time you can use up.  Consider having more than one course.  Get out that cookbook you never thought you would have time to use.  Start eating strange things from cans - for example stuffed vine leaves, no name brand, are delicious!  Food poisoning can be a great way to spend a few days.

After lunch is usually when I start to get desparate.  I read entire books during this time of day. I try to make social appointments with my other unemployed friends.  Make friends with people on maternity leave, or students with strange schedules.  Start calling your grandmother more often.  This is often when my obessive compulsive cleaning streak starts to show itself.  This is also a good time to recheck your email, or to take a nap.

6ish - normal people with real world jobs are home!  If you are not too deep into the scrubbing out the fridge or already out for coffee, start calling these people.  Begging and crying is permitted if it helps get you an invite to dinner.  No level of desparation is too low at this time.  Tell them to come to your house, serve them vine leaves and left over KD. 

Night time is easiest - sleep, as soon as it gets dark this is acceptable.  Go to bed at 9pm if you have to.  Take a hot bath, or a gravol, or both, whatever gets the job done.

Good luck!  Let me know if you have any tips or tricks to fill in time.

The Beginning!

The idea for this blog was born while I was cleaning out the crumb collector on my toaster. Employed people don't know about this silly little contraption. They have no time to wonder where the crumbs from the bagel they toast on the way out the door to a paying job go to. Crumb heaven? Maybe. People who are working just don't have time to care. When the toaster lights your breakfast on fire you have the means to go to Walmart and for $11 pick yourself up a new one.
Unemployed people - and I know I'm not alone here - have far more time than money. We know that the toaster collects the crumbs in a fun little tray that is precariously held with some sort of little latch. This can be released into a garbage can and the crumbs will empty.

Your method will depend on the length of time you have been unemployed/underemployed. Myself, going on 18 months (Christ, if my unemployment was a baby it would be walking!), I have a different way to clean this out. First - I open the tray into the garbage and shake it around, pretending there is some semblance of sanity left in my life. Then I place the toaster on the oven, without properly attaching the latch, so crumbs fall into burners making a giant mess and threatening to burn down my house. Good. Now I can take the oven apart and clean it piece by piece. While cleaning the oven you should set the toaster onto the counter. When left on the counter, unlatched, of course, it will release more crumbs. After you have taken care of the oven make sure to give the toaster a little shake. Clean these crumbs. Shake again over the sink full of dirty oven water. Now you will have a reason to clean the sink that you have already cleaned at least twice today. Put the toaster where it belongs. No - too quick - first try to rearrange your cereal boxes, if you put the cornflakes beside the microwave and tuck your toaster into between your bran and all bran does it look cuter?

Eventually you will decide it is best in it's original spot. Carefully clean the counter of any extra crumbs. If done properly this job can take well over an hour. Congratulations!

Where was this long and rambling story going? O right.... so after spending much of my afternoon doing precious little more than cleaning a toaster I thought, "I can't be alone in this." We are a generation of unemployed, overqualified people waiting for the Boomers to retire, which was going to be a long wait anyways without the collapse of everything financial slowing it down. While I realize this is a world wide crisis, I think we could all use somewhere safe to laugh about it, share experiences and occasionally play "9 to 5" as loudly as possible to try and muffle the sound of our collective sobbing. This is that place!

So please, I know you have time, check my blog every day to see what I'm up to. I will try to give you lots of tips and ways to fill in your time. Not crap like - try volunteering, go back to school to boost your resume, it's an aggressive market. Really helpful stuff - we can debate the best way to get the buttons on your microwave clean, or how many times you can reword your cover letter before you have a complete mental breakdown, or impending homelessness. It's not like you have anything better to do. Join me on this journey!