Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Punch in the Face #2

This Punch in the Face blog post was alternatively going to be titled: "Why Unemployed Bored People With A Stupid Blog About Being Unemployed And Bored Should Not Be Allowed To Have Cameras On Their Phones"  You'll see why.....  I went with the shorter and less rambling title, but thought the other was so clever I should share it with you anyway.  Now on to the face punching.

This one is for the passive aggressive people in my neighbourhood.  First, let me share a little story with you.  In university I shared a house with five other people.  One was my friend, the other four we didn't really know, even though we lived together for two full years.  We had a fun little blackboard in our kitchen where me and my friend would write fun little countdowns until Reading Week, or cheery good morning messages.  But, frequently, we would wake up to long notes about things we had done wrong, "You can't have a party this weekend", "The dishes weren't done", "The house isn't clean" "You are ruining my life and I hate living with you".  You could go to bed and say good night to everybody in the house and everything would be fine, but in the middle of the night someone would sneak out to the god awful blackboard and write notes of suppressed rage.  I am all for being passive, a harboured grudge for many years I fully support.  I am also supportive of aggression to a certain extent, not wife beating, but fights that clear the air and make you say horrible unforgiveable things and lead to sobbing through the entire next day.  But put the two together and it kills me.

So here is the reason for this sudden outburst at people who I know will not react or write in to tell me I am wrong, but who will instead start their own blog and support group for passive aggressive reactions and how some people just don't understand....

Welcome to Toronto.  Passive aggressive behaviour is in the air every where here, you can catch it faster than stomach flu if you aren't careful.  It is bred into children the way other cities teach maners.  I present to you my real life example - tired of people putting dog crap in your outdoor garbage container or green bin?  However could you solve this problem?  Here's an idea......

Yes, a fake dog with "NO" written on him pooping in your garden.  I am glad the "NO" was added, it is my favourite part.  In case you thought that fancy decoration was in fact an invitation to use their property as an animal toilet.  You know what I would prefer to having to see this in front of my house every morning?  Dog shit in my garden.  Yes.  I would prefer that strangers dogs just did their business in front of my house occasionally rather than ever EVER putting this in front of my house.  Do their friend's ever comment on it?  "O my, what an original display."  "What an innovative way to solve a problem"  I am seriously at a loss, was it piling so high they had no choice but to resort to such desperate measures?

In shocking news, the same person who has the lawn decoration also has this on their garbage can.  The fine print says, "Thank you for respecting our property".  The hilarious part is this sits about one inch away from their fenced in driveway.  Presumably the fence opens and closes, and could in fact open and have a garbage can conveniantly on wheels be wheeled inside, and then the fence could close and keep out people who keep filling this garbage container with dog waste.  Who thought this was the best way to deal with this problem?  I guess the same person who thought they should put a little plastic pooping dog in their garden.

Are you ready for more?  Good, I have so much more......

A lovely walk down a quiet street in the city....  but wait, what is that hanging from the tree support?  Could it possibly be? 

YES!!!!!!  YES IT IS!!!!!!  A bag of dog poo!!!!!!!!  Hanging in front of their house.  This is not even the  shocking part.  The most shocking part is that it has been hanging there for over a week.  This is beyond disgusting to me.  I love seeing this and inventing a story.  A responsible dog owner picks up their dog's business in a little bag, then sees a green bin sitting out on the sidewalk.  Rather than continue to carry excrement they simply drop it it in the green bin, where they assume it will be composted.  But, NO, instead it is dragged out of the green bin, and hung for the world to see.  Do these home owners think someone is coming back to claim it?  Someone will say, "o that is my dog crap, dear me I should not have put that in their green bin" and then they will take it home to their very own green bin (as directed, of course). 

Question - was it deposited in this lovely clear bag or did they transfer it to a clear bag so it was more obviously recognisable? (that is insane, you say, but did you forget these are the same people who have had a bag of poop hanging in their front yard for over seven days!?)  Next question - how do all of these people know people have used their garbages and green bins?  Do they take inventory of their garbage every day?  Is it categorized and itemized so they can immediately recognize a foreign substance? 

I thought that would be my last example and I was on my way home to write this all up for you when I saw this is my parking garage.....

There is so much drama, all the underlining and caps....  I can hardly handle it.  AND the beginning is so Big Brother-esque, it is one of the most intense signs I have ever read.  I am terrified my well behaved puppy will one day lift his leg in the parking garage and the next morning I will wake up with a rat cage on my face.

Here I will finally end this post - but fellow Torontonians, I issue a challenge to you, next time you go to nail a bag of waste to a pole in your front yard, think to yourself, "Is this really the most effective way to deal with this problem?" and if the answer is yes then by all means carry on.  The ball is in your court now, or the shit's on your lawn so to speak.....

1 comment:

  1. oh my gosh- I could hardly finish reading this for laughing so much! and it went on and on and it just kept getting better and funnier.
    I, for one am glad for the photos from your camera.
    Just wondering? ...has anyone just bent down and pretended to bag their dog's poop? What do you do with it then?